Guesses At Nothing

Smart?  Fun-loving?  Good in bed?  Enjoy life?  Ask your doctor about Stupify.

Stupify is a life-dehancer that cures even the happiest of people.  

Stupify works by blocking neural access to the areas of the brain associated with pleasure, happiness, and fun.

Side effects include weight-gain, headaches and sudden cases of explosive diarrhea.

If you experience elation, euphoria or joie de vivre, stop taking Stupify immediately and contact your doctor...

...as this may be the symptom of a rare but serious side effect. Sudden cases of death have been reported.

Stupify is available as an oral tablet, an anal suppository, or in powder form so that it may be snorted.

You may also cook it in a spoon and inhale the fumes.  

Remember, only your doctor knows if Stupify is right for you.

Stupify. Get dumb today!

From an internal email where I work:

-Lighting
Compact Fluorescent Light bulbs (CFL’s) use 75% less energy than regular bulbs. If every US household switched just one bulb, the emission savings would be like taking 3 million cars off the road for a year. CFL’s cost more but they last 10 times longer and can save you up to $60/light. They do contain mercury so you cannot just throw them in the garbage, but you can bring them to any Home Depot at the return desk and they will be properly recycled. To save more on lighting install dimmer switches and timers, use solar powered lighting in your yard or patio and of course turn off lights when not in use.

-Energy Vampires
Approx 40% of the total energy used to run home electronics is consumed when the appliances are turned off. Energy flows through the cords of plugged in but unused cell phone chargers, computers, curling irons, etc. Unplug items when not in use and put both your computer and monitor in sleep mode; they’ll use about 95% less electricity than running on full power.

-Buy energy star appliances, they exceed government efficiency standards by using less water or electricity.

-Fill your Fridge
Refrigerators use most of the electricity in your household, but a filled to capacity fridge saves money b/c it stays colder and runs more efficiently. For maximum efficiency set the fridge thermostat at 37 and the freezer at 0 .

-Adjust Temperature
By lowering your thermostat 2 degrees in winter and raising it 3 degrees in summer, you’ll prevent the annual emission of nearly 700 pounds of carbon dioxide. Plus every degree dropped during the winter saves about 5% on your heating bill. To save even more install programmable thermostats, seal leaks around windows and doors, get regular servicing of your furnace (this can get a 10% heat bill savings and a 1250 pound reduction of carbon dioxide).

-Water
One drip per second from a leaky faucet can waste 165 gallons of water per month. Save money by installing water efficient showerheads, wash your clothes in cold water, set dryer to moisture sensor instead of the using the timer.

-Recycle
Plastics, aluminum, and paper products can all be recycled. When shopping look for labels indicating the product was made from recyclable materials, and that the packaging can be recycled. Reuse plastic bags or bring them to any Harris Teeters, Lowes, or Wal-Mart to recycle those also.

-Compost
Yard waste and food scraps make up to 30% of household garbage. Compost bins can turn that into fertilizer for your garden and houseplants (which are great at removing indoor air pollutants).

-Junk Mail
Go to www.dmachoice.org to register and within three months the amount of junk mail will decrease substantially.

-Batteries
Rechargeable batteries (cell phones, laptops, etc) need to be recycled properly since they contain metals that leak toxins into the ground. Bring them to Best Buy, most have a drop off box right inside the main entrance.

-Paint
Indoor air is three times more polluted than outdoor air and it is considered to be one of the top five hazards to human health, according to the EPA. Paints and finishes are among the leading causes because they emit volatile organic compounds (VOC). Look for low VOC, zero VOC and natural paints and use water based latex paint, not oil based, indoors. Indoor houseplants will also help cut down on indoor pollutants.

The other night I bore witness to a temporary mystery.  For a few brief moments, I thought that there was magic in the world when a streak flashed by in the nighttime floods as I was waiting for Ernie to eliminate.  It cruised by obviously, neither bird nor bat, crashed into the tulip poplar and quickly scurried upward to safety.  What was it? A relative of Puck who somehow I alone could see like the lead character in Matt Ruff's "Fool on the Hill".  The world was a magical place for a few brief moments, until I went upstairs and Meghann said it was probably a flying squirrel; which it was.  A quick trip to Wikipedia confirmed that not only is the southern flying squirrel native to my clime, but also is nocturnal and bears colors that are similar to those that whizzed by. I emailed my mom to tell her and she reminded me of a story from my youth about another flying squirrel that we disrupted when clearing trees for a new pool.

But nevertheless, the world is a magic place.  There are squirrels with patagium under their armpits that allow them to whiz about in the nighttime sky.  There is a system of computers that circle the globe that allow me to confirm this and communicate with loved ones with a few short keystrokes and clicks.  There is that distant memory of a tree cut down and the brave little (northern) flying squirrel that carried each of her young away from the wreckage while curious young eyes looked on in wonder.